The importance of managing thoughts in stressful times
Now more than ever, we need ways to keep a handle on stress. With so many potentially stressful situations surrounding us, it can feel impossible to keep from drowning in stressful thoughts.
In fact, the impact of our stress is pretty daunting. Numerous studies show links between stress and physical health, and even before 2020, stress was increasing at alarming rates. Prior to COVID-19, the World Health Organization dubbed stress “The Health Epidemic of the 21st Century” and then in 2020, the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America study declared an impending Mental Health Crisis.
Prior to COVID-19, the World Health Organization dubbed stress “The Health Epidemic of the 21st Century”
Thoughts have the power to create emotions
So what can we do about the constant challenges outside our control? In a previous post, I discussed one thing we do have control over—our thinking—and how it can influence overall emotions. (If you haven’t checked out that post yet, it would be a great place to start.)
Recognizing the power of our thoughts can be really empowering. But, it’s not always easy to translate that knowledge into action. Luckily, there are a few simple steps you can take to gently break the cycle of stressful thinking.
Stressful thoughts can lead to chronic stress
When working on letting go of stressful thoughts, remember that some stress is not necessarily bad. And, in life-threatening or otherwise acute situations, of course we’re more focused on other things besides reducing momentary stress.
But, in most everyday situations, stress causes more harm than good as stressful thoughts trigger “fight or flight.” When that happens repeatedly over time, it can lead to chronic stress, and many resulting health risks.
The following steps can help reduce the stress you feel in the moment, so you’ll be better equipped to navigate the situation. Make this process a habit, and the ups and downs of life become more manageable over time. 🙂
Step 1: Notice stressful thoughts, and clarify the facts
The first step, as always, is awareness.
When a wave of anxiety, anger, or frustration comes up, take a moment to pause, breathe, and reflect. See if you can distinguish the “cold hard facts” of the situation from any beliefs or assumptions you might be adding to them. (e.g., “my sister hasn’t called” vs. “my sister is avoiding me”).
If you can, grab a journal and briefly jot down the following two lists. (Or in a pinch, just compile your lists mentally):
- List #1: What Happened? (Just the Facts), and
- List #2: What Are My Thoughts and Beliefs? (Assumptions, Preferences, or Judgments)
As you do this, be on the lookout for accidental exaggeration or editorializing. It can be easy to list something like, “I’m completely broke” as a fact, when it’s actually an emotional judgment. The facts would be something more like, “my bank account balance is $76 and I have $3 in my wallet.”
2. Be honest about alternatives to your stressful thoughts
Now, take a close look at the second list: your thoughts.
For each, think about if there are other possibilities. Is it possible someone could have a different belief than that? Is there a chance, however small, that your assumption or interpretation isn’t technically true? Jot down a few of those other alternatives next to your own thoughts.
Is there a chance, however small, that your assumption isn’t true?
In this step, try to take a detached, scientific approach. We’re not judging these thoughts, or defending them. The goal here is just gathering info to help reduce your stressful thoughts in the moment.
For example, you might be thinking of all the reasons your own interpretation is valid or right. Or, thinking about reasons the alternatives are unlikely or unrealistic.
If that comes up for you, simply notice it, and give it compassion. Remember, this exercise isn’t about which interpretation is “right.” Just recognize that those thoughts come from your mind’s instincts to protect your existing view of the world.
Then, gently come back to that scientific, observational mindset, look at the list, and recognize that alternatives do exist, even if you don’t personally agree with them.
3. Be curious about your stressful thoughts
Once you have a good understanding of the story your mind is telling, you can start connecting the dots between your thoughts and your stress.
I find it helpful to simply ask “why” in as many ways as you can think of:
- Why do I feel this way?
- Why do I think what she did is wrong?
- Why do I believe that to be true?
- Why did I have these thoughts instead of any of the alternatives?
- Why did that event trigger these thoughts?
Again, resist the urge to judge your own beliefs, or to defend them. The goal is self awareness—understanding your own triggers and tendencies—in order to have more control over the stress response in the future.
4. See the stressful thoughts, and choose another way
Once you have a clear picture of what you believe and why, you can start to see how the resulting emotions are tied to your thoughts.
To bring this home, look back at your two lists about the situation.
- As you look at list #2 (your thoughts), chances are those emotions will fire up again.
- But the items on list number #1 (the facts) may seem neutral, and devoid of meaning.
This insight is your starting point.
Finally, look through the alternate interpretations you thought of. Ask yourself: if these versions were true, how would I feel different? If my assumptions were wrong, what would that mean?
Hopefully this illuminates some areas where the stress is not necessarily required.
Note: Two important distinctions
1. It’s not about “positive thinking”
It’s important to clarify, this process isn’t about “burying your head in the sand” or ignoring bad things in the world. Nor is it about “positive thinking” or trying to guess at a “happy” interpretation for every situation.
Rather, the intent is just to recognize how powerfully our thoughts impact how we feel from moment to moment.
2. Stress doesn’t come from being a “realist”
“I’m just being a realist.” It’s a common rationale among those who struggle to let go of stress-inducing thoughts. But this mindset blurs the lines between facts and beliefs. For example, if your sister hasn’t returned your call…
- A pessimist might think “she’s ignoring me,” and feel emotions of anger or hurt.
- An optimist could choose to think “she’s super busy and definitely means to call soon,” which may trigger emotions of care and connection.
But neither of these is a fact. Nobody knows what the sister is thinking or doing. A true realist would say, “My sister hasn’t returned my call, and I don’t know why.” They’d go on to with their day with no emotional impact.
Charting your path forward
In the moment, our minds automatically assign stories to the events in our lives. Those stories result in emotions.
Even though this is natural—these stories come from natural reflexes and conditioning—it is within our power to choose them and adjust how we feel in any moment, regardless of what might come next.
By taking time to reflect with these 4 steps, we can develop the ability to control our feelings. We often can’t control what happens around us, or what other people do. But with a little practice and self-awareness, we can become more intentional, more resilient, and less susceptible to the burden of ongoing stress.
