How to Control Stress When Life Just Won’t Quit

Is Fighting Stress A Losing Battle?

Stress. It can be oppressive, invasive, and completely overwhelming. Even before 2020, stress was on its way to being one of the biggest health threats facing busy people these days. While we constantly search for new ways to control stress, at times it can seem like a hopeless fight.

What’s more, the most commonly cited sources of stress are things few of us have the power to change: a global pandemic, work pressures, world events, politics, relationships, etc. For those of us with extremely busy lives, life can feel like an endless parade of one stressor after another.

The Ups and Downs of Trying to Control Stress

But there is hope on the horizon. While we can’t always control the world around us, a growing body of research shows there are things we can do to reduce stress’s hold on our lives. Mindfulness practices, regular exercise, social connections, spending time in nature, and even a healthy diet can all be effective defenses against stress.

That said, sometimes these “remedies” can even be overwhelming. When you’re barely keeping up throughout the day, the thought of adding a new exercise program or overhauling your diet can be just another “to-do” item adding to a mountain of stress.

In the end, it can be like a constant roller coaster. Stressful events are interspersed with frantic attempts to recover before the next stressful thing comes around. Ideally, we’d have tools to not only recover from stress, but also control and reduce the impact of stress, before it builds up to unhealthy levels.

This is where a different approach is needed; something that allows you to take control over the stressful moments in your life; that can bring more calm and resilience in the moment, no matter what comes your way.

How Thoughts Impact Our Stress Levels

When I was going through some of my own most stressful times in life, I came across one insight that cut through all those ups and downs. It was something that didn’t make any sense at first. But once I started to pay attention, it made all the sense in the world. Eventually, (dare I say) it had a life-changing effect on how I related to stressful events in life.

It’s still tricky to remember even after years of practice. But, it has so much potential, I had to share. The insight is this:

That’s right, the feeling of stress is a result, or symptom, of our thoughts and beliefs about an event, not the situation itself.

Now, if you’re anything like me, you might bristle when you first read that. Your mind might instantly jump to the reasons why a certain situation really is empirically stressful. Or maybe you’re thinking about those people causing you stress, and you’re not about to “let them off the hook.”

You might even want to stop reading, deciding this doesn’t really apply to your unique situation. I understand; I was there once. ☺️ But let’s dig into it a bit.

Stress is not caused by any given situation or event. Rather, it's a result of our thoughts about that event.  Share on X

A Time-Tested Approach to Controlling Stress

First of all, to clarify, this does not mean that when we experience stress we’ve done anything wrong. As I explore in other posts, the stress reaction is very real and very natural. However, it can be empowering to realize: our brains are capable of controlling that natural stress response. We can create conditions where stress is less likely to intervene with our mood and productivity.

This general concept dates back to ancient stoic philosophers, is a key tenet of modern Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and appears in publications as diverse as Forbes, Psychology Today, and a smattering of spiritual best sellers.

And, like many things related to stress, it’s a remnant of our natural human instincts. As we go through daily life, our minds automatically piece together events into stories.

When we don’t have all the information, our brains do their best to fill in the gaps with assumptions. These typically come from our prior experience, learned expectations, and conditioning. The result is a patched-together narrative to help us make sense of the experience.

This isn’t a problem on its own, since it can help us react quickly, recognize danger, and operate efficiently in the world. But it can cause problems if we aren’t aware of how those stories can lead to stress and anxiety. 

The ABCs of Emotion

The psychologist and researcher Albert Ellis described this basic idea succinctly with his “A-B-C model” from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: 

1. An Activating event or adversity, combined with…
2. Your Beliefs about the event (including both overt and underlying thoughts), result in…
3. The Consequences, which can include your feelings, reactions, or behaviors.

Looking closely at #2, Beliefs can take a variety of forms. Some of the most common include:

• Preferences, such as opinions about how we’d like others to interact with us,
• Assumptions, like beliefs about what someone else is thinking or doing, and
• Judgements, such as thoughts about the way things “should be.”

Real Life Examples: How Thoughts can Control Stress

So let’s start with a super simple example:

A while ago Dave mentioned something to his sister about coming over to play with her 2 little boys. He called and texted to set up a time, but she hasn’t gotten back to him in three days. He’s now upset because it seems like she’s avoiding him.

He starts to wonder if she doesn’t want him to see her kids. Dave and his sister don’t always see eye to eye, but he thinks it‘s petty for her to keep his nephews from seeing their uncle. He starts to wonder if he did something wrong last time he saw the kids, and feels defensive. Either way, it’s disrespectful that she hasn’t returned his call.

Now, it’s easy to see that Dave is making some assumptions. And this isn’t about whether he’s right or not—It’s totally possible his sister is ducking his calls. It’s also possible that she lost her phone or just got busy, and in the hassle she forgot to call.

But in the meantime, it doesn’t matter. Right now, in the moment, Dave is feeling stressful emotions because of the story he put together from his thoughts & beliefs:

1. “Three days is too long without a return phone call.” (his preference)
2. “She’s being disrespectful.” (judgement)
3. “She’s avoiding me.” (assumption)
4. “She doesn’t want me to see the kids.” (assumption)
5. “She’s being petty.” (judgement based on assumptions)

Dave chose to theorize about what his sister is thinking, and let it lead him down a negative path. He just as easily could have moved on with his day without thinking of it at all. 

Controlling Emotions in Extreme Circumstances

So this is a pretty basic example. But, throughout history, many strong-willed and resilient individuals have also shown us how our thoughts can triumph over stress:

• Viktor Frankl, the concentration camp survivor and psychiatrist, famously wrote of his experience in the most oppressive of all human situations: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
• Nelson Mandela, also known for his incredible strength and insight gained during imprisonment, reflected, “it is not so much the disability one suffers from that matters but one’s attitude to it. The man who says: I will conquer this illness & live a happy life, is already halfway through to victory.”
• And The Dalai Lama, revered for his ability to see clearly even in the toughest times, reminds us simply, “Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”

The First Steps to Controlling Everyday Stress

OK but real talk: we are not all Nelson Mandela or the Dalai Lama. And, our thoughts and stories are usually based on years of ingrained experience that won’t dissipate overnight. So, how do we translate this insight into action? And more importantly, how do we use it to control the stress we feel in overwhelming times? 

It can take a long time to reach those masters’ levels of steadiness and calm. But luckily, awareness is half the battle.

The next time stress starts to creep in, take a moment to pause and notice your thoughts. What stories might you be telling that could be separated from facts? What is it about this situation that brings stress on for you?

If you can identify the difference between the facts and your thoughts, you can start to imagine different interpretations of the situation. Consider whether your feelings would be different if any of your beliefs turned out to be wrong. What if you saw the situation from a different angle?

Taking stock of our emotions, and simply being aware of the stories behind them, can go a long way towards reducing the stress in our lives.

To go even further, there are a few thoughtful steps you can use to better understand your own stories and how they impact your emotions. We’ll explore these in the next post, so stay tuned! 🙂 Once this idea becomes second-nature, you will have greater control over stress, no matter how many ups and downs life brings.

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Image Credits

Viktor Frankl2, Prof. Dr. Franz Vesely, CC BY-SA 3.0 DE

Nelson_Mandela,_2000, Library of the London School of Economics and Political Science, No restrictions, via Wikimedia Commons

The Dalai Lama, Christopher Michel, CC BY 2.0 , via Wikimedia Commons