Working on stress reduction: a frustrating contradiction
It’s pretty well known by now, stress is a serious health issue that can greatly impact our well-being. Luckily, these days lot of us are putting more effort into managing stress, which is awesome for our health. Unfortunately as we do that, a surprising side effect can sneak in: stressing out about stress.
In our goal-driven, comparison-focused culture, moments of high stress can feel like a kind of failure, when we know “stress is bad.” Shame, guilt, or worry can arise from thinking we “should” be handling things better. But the truth is, pretty much everyone experiences stress on occasion. Yes, even the most “mindful” people out there.
So, how do we tackle stress without adding extra worry in the process? Well, there’s good news: Even though it feels impossible to eliminate stress, there are ways to reduce the negative impact when those feelings show up.
The vicious cycle: stressing about stress
For ambitious, hard-working people, it’s easy to think of stress just like any other other “problem” to solve: we subconsciously measure progress, and worry about results if we don’t hit the goal quick enough. In this mindset, difficult emotions can feel more like a disappointing setback, than a natural part of life.
Think about it this way; do you ever mentally beat yourself up for feeling stressed? Thoughts like,
- “I know I’m supposed to be more relaxed about this….” or
- “I should’ve been more calm in that meeting; I’m obviously not managing my emotions well enough…” or
- “Why can’t I be more zen about my sister’s attitude?”
- And so on.
These feelings result in a vicious cycle: stress about stress. On top of the stressful event itself, feelings of shame, discouragement, or disappointment at not being more “chill” about it only make us feel worse.
So, what next? It turns out, how we react to difficult emotions can have a profound impact on our overall relationship with stress. Remember, it isn’t always a bad thing.
Facing those difficult emotions with curiosity and intention, rather than resistance, can lead to long term improvements in our stress levels. There is even evidence that embracing stress and learning from it might even be more helpful than reducing stress in the first place.
Facing difficult emotions with curiosity and intention, rather than resistance, can lead to long term improvements in stress levels. Share on XHere are three techniques to try, the next time difficult emotions rise up for you:
1. Resist the urge to ignore, avoid, or stifle stressful feelings.
Over time, we all develop habitual stress reactions, in well-meaning attempts to make things better. Being aware of the toll stress can take, it’s natural to try and look the other way, or make those feelings disappear, asap.
For example, are you in the habit of…
- Trying to “put on a happy face,” or telling yourself (and others) “it’s all good,” even when you don’t really feel that way?
- Escaping the situation with drinks, food, workaholism, TV, and other indulgences?
- Jumping into “fix-it” mode, invoking relaxation tricks like deep breathing, herbal tea, mantras, exercise, and more?
- Planning self-care routines like massages and pedicures?
These are all valuable tools for regulating emotions in the moment—like, to make it through a presentation or stay calm in a heated conversation. In fact, the ability to regulate and control our emotions is a critical life skill; we don’t want to wallow in negative emotions, or lose our temper at every inconvenience.
But when emotional regulation goes too far—like turning a blind eye to stressful feelings, or masking emotions with self care—it can actually do more harm than good. Repressed emotions will inevitably feel all-consuming, or surface again and again unless we face them honestly.
2. Understand the importance of emotional honesty
Research shows that ignoring or repressing emotions can have significant negative impacts on physical and physiological health. But on the positive side, we can see profound benefits from being honest with ourselves and others about our emotions.
In fact, one study showed, “the amount of relief from pain and discomfort reported by patients with chronic illness [was] … commensurate with how able they are to deeply and authentically express their emotions and feelings.”
“the amount of relief from pain and discomfort reported by patients [was] … commensurate with how able they are to deeply and authentically express their emotions and feelings.”
Jainish Patel & Prittesh Patel (2019)
The reasons for this are complex. Emotions—even unpleasant ones—play an important role in human evolution: they motivate action, facilitate bonding, and even keep us alive. And so, by ignoring or denying them, we actually miss out on valuable information.
Emotions are often the starting point for learning more about ourselves and how we relate to the world. Difficult emotions can…
- Point you towards something you want to change,
- Alert you to things that don’t align with your values,
- Highlight areas where you could build resilience, and
- Identify boundaries you want to set in your life.
Giving emotions the right level of attention can go a long way towards moving us forward in life. Commit to recognizing emotions honestly and authentically, as a starting point for growth.
Being honest about our emotions—with ourselves and others—can have profound benefits on overall well-being. Share on X3. Create intentional space, for tough emotions to pass through
Finally, being honest about emotions does not necessarily mean “grin and bear it.” After all, the goal is to get through tough times a little easier. The good news is, when we honor and listen to emotions instead of resisting them, they don’t stick around nearly as long, eventually leading to less stress overall.
The next time a difficult emotion comes up for you, try the following approach, to give emotions the space they need to do their thing.
- First, pause. Don’t react. Notice if you feel an impulse to react, like with any of the habits listed above. By drawing awareness to our own habits and defense mechanisms, we open up the possibility of changing them over time. Resist the urge to “fix” the emotion, and just give it some time.
- Then, accept the feeling. See if you can mentally welcome the emotion. Or at the very least, don’t resist it. Resistance comes from judging our emotions as “bad,” and that’s what causes that extra level of stress. Instead, try to simply sit with the feeling, and allow it to be there.
- Next, listen and observe. What are you really feeling? Reflect on what’s going on in your mind, and what it might tell you about the situation or yourself. And, dig deeper than the surface; try naming your feelings, and think about why, deep down, these feelings are coming up for you.
- Finally, extend compassion. Just as you would with a close friend, give yourself care and understanding. Difficult emotions are a part of life, and we can handle them best when we feel supported and accepted. Having compassion for your own emotions is surprisingly effective at reducing the grip that emotion has over you.
- If you can, confide in a friend. In a world where we’re pressured to “have it all together,” being open and vulnerable with other humans can be incredibly therapeutic. Just the act of acknowledging your feelings can relieve a lot of your stress, since you no longer have the burden of masking them. It’s also a great reminder that we’re all human, and there’s no need to suffer alone.
In time, you may find that paying attention to emotions in this way lessens their intensity, and allows them to move on. When we let emotions serve their purpose, instead of resisting them, it opens up the opportunity for deeper learning, insightful growth, and less emotional suffering.
Honor emotions to relieve stress
The goal of stress management is not to eliminate tough emotions or force ourselves to be happy all the time. Managing stress is not the same as avoiding it.
On the contrary, we have to be honest, open, and aware of all our emotions in order to learn from them, and to ultimately transcend the pain they can cause.
It takes strength and self-awareness to authentically acknowledge our emotions. If we take the time, at the right time, to welcome these feelings and face them honestly, we can learn and grow in countless new ways, while also reducing our suffering in stressful times.
