The thought hit me out of the blue while walking down a crowded Chicago sidewalk on my way to work one morning. I suddenly saw the story of my life (in my early 20s at the time), as it might’ve been seen by an outsider:
- Solid job with growth potential downtown in a great city…
- Decent apartment in a good neighborhood…
- Getting paid for interesting work alongside fun coworkers…
- Great friends and hobbies filling the weekends…
I paused and thought, “Wait a minute.. This is kind of like…what people wish for after college, huh?” My young adult brain wasn’t sure what to make of it. “So does that mean I’ve… ‘made it’?”
That moment wasn’t at all what thought some “adulting” milestone would feel like. There wasn’t any wave of pride or accomplishment; more like obligatory recognition. But at the same time it wasn’t one of those depressing, “Is this all there is?” moments or quarter-life crisis. It just seemed a little…uneventful.
Turns out, that weird feeling is something a lot of people face at some point. And, it was my first hint at some of our modern culture’s biggest misconceptions about happiness: what leads to it, what it looks like, who deserves it, and where it comes from.
The Pressure of Following A Passion
For background, while working that downtown Chicago job, I was also in the midst of “following my dream,” pursuing music on the side. Like a lot of young Americans, I was convinced that turning a passion into a career was the one and only path to happiness.
Even though it was uncertain, I was inspired by visions of “one day” when I would wake up with an impossibly wonderful life: No worries, no stress, just getting paid to make music. Everything else would just work itself out. 😌
And so, I was hitting that “follow your dreams” grind as well as I knew how: studying, practicing, taking gigs and auditions in between time at the “day job.” And to be honest, it was super stressful. The routine was tiring, competitive, uncertain, and much of the time, unrewarding. But I never questioned that stress, believing the tough uphill battle would some day pay off in a big way—if I just kept at it.
If "following your dreams" is the only true path to happiness, what does that mean if it doesn't work out? Share on XAdding to the stress, everyone around me seemed to believe that “office jobs kill souls”—traditional jobs were only good for paying bills while working towards a different dream, and earning a living from anything other than your true passion is not really a living at all.
Follow Your Dreams—Or Else!
So…if following your dreams is the only true path to happiness, what does it mean if that doesn’t work out? This is where it got me thinking…
That morning in Chicago, I was heading to one of those “desk jobs”, with absolutely no sense of dread. My coworkers were great, and the work was interesting. All the stress in my life actually came from chasing a career in music, wondering if the payoff would ever come, and fearing what life would be like if it didn’t work out.
(Spoiler alert.) I’m not a professional musician to this day. Much of my work happens in an office. And, life is great. But not for the reasons I would’ve predicted.
Chasing That Perfect Life
Why is it some people can be perfectly content in a given job where others are miserable? Why do some of us find certain lifestyles exciting while others think they’re ridiculous? And, if there’s no predictable model for who’ll enjoy what lifestyle, how’s anyone supposed to plan their own search for happiness?
Well, that Chicago office job didn’t turn out to be a lifelong career for me. But it did open my eyes to the possibility that happiness might not be at the end of some specific path.
For the next decade I explored many different things in life, learning new skills, enjoying new jobs, towns, and adventures. But surprisingly, even during the most fun times, there were always stressful times too. There was uncertainty. There were ups and downs. No matter what direction I went, that easy, worry-free future never seemed to just “show up.”
Even 15 years later, living in a gorgeous town with a great marriage, an interesting career, a fun community of friends, and lots of exciting pastimes, it still wasn’t perfect: A home and family meant busier schedules. A great job meant increasing responsibility and higher stakes. Adventurous hobbies meant injuries and expenses.
I was super grateful for the amazing things in my life; yet, despite checking all the “life” boxes, there seemed to be no finish line in the battle against daily stresses.
More Stuff, Less Joy
Sadly, this kind of experience is pretty common in the western world as we search for happiness in many different ways. We have endless opportunities to follow our passions and dreams, and no shortage of wealth, yet despite our best efforts, most of us still face stress on a daily basis.
In fact, these outward successes don’t seem to correlate to happiness at all, and it sometimes looks like the opposite is true:
- Anxiety is more prevalent in wealthy countries
- Americans are reporting much higher levels of depressive symptoms
- There’s evidence that super-successful people are even more prone to depression
So, what’s the answer? Are we doomed?
Trial and error is how most of us go about seeking happiness. Even when we have a well-defined plan and follow it to a T, there’s no way to know ahead of time how it’ll work out.
Can We Find Happiness Without Changing Our Whole Life?
Photo: Ivy Green Photography
Having put so much effort into building a career and lifestyle I loved, I wasn’t willing to change the whole structure of my life anymore in order to search for happiness. But I thought I had tried all the options: follow your passion, go on adventures, get a good stable job, get married, surround yourself with family and friends…. I wasn’t about to leave any of that behind. So, what else is there?
The “build your own future” mentality is empowering, and a big part of many inspiring American success stories. But in the effort to do this, we can forget we don’t have to sacrifice today, in order to build an incredible future. It’s easy to start believing, even if only subconsciously, that happiness only exists in the future.
And so began my concentrated research on stress. What is it? Where does it come from it? What alleviates it? How is it different for each person? Why do some things seem stressful for me but easy for others, or vice versa? If I could understand it well enough, maybe I could solve the riddle.
Sacrificing the Present for the Future
One thing became immediately clear as I looked at this problem as a whole: we have a very future-focused culture. Even the idea of the American Dream, while it evolves in meaning over time, always carries overtones that your happiness is “out there” somewhere in a future of your own making.
But of course, the future is never here. Focusing too much on the future means we constantly struggle to reach that next big accomplishment, without ever feeling the benefits of what we’ve already achieved.
The Power of the Present Moment
Through this blog I’ll explore the endless number of extraordinary ideas I’ve run across while exploring the nature of stress. Some are simple, some take a lifetime to grasp, many I am still trying to understand.
But in general, the most powerful insights showed up once I asked a different kind of question than I had in the past. Questions that focus less on a search for happiness in a far-off future, and more on the moment each of us is living right now. Questions like,
- What can people do to be happier within their current situation?
- Am I making the most of my life within this current situation?
- Are there ways to learn and grow within any given situation?
By turning attention away from “what can I change?” to “what can I embrace?” I started to discover many eye-opening things right in front of me:
- Fundamental misunderstandings about the nature of happiness
- “Common knowledge” about success that is just plain wrong, and
- Shortcuts that can lead to even more fulfillment earlier in life
The Present is the Foundation for the Future
That moment on the streets of Chicago started a long, slow introspection around this key discovery: life is happening right now. While we’re working to create “a life” somewhere off in the future, we’re actually living one right now, in the present moment.
One of the most important lessons, which I’ll explore in many ways throughout this blog, is this: the quality of our life, both now and in the future, is determined by the quality of each and every moment.
“Life is a series of moments. The quality of attention and action that we bring to each moment determines the quality of our lives.”
Dan Millman
It turns out, life is not about choosing whether to enjoy the present or plan for the future. Living in the present moment, making the most of it, and learning what it can teach you, is actually the starting point for creating a future of your dreams. There is no need to sacrifice one for the other.
How we choose to approach this moment is one of the most powerful tools to determine the quality of your life, both in the present and the future. Join me in exploring the countless ways we all can make every day even more fulfilling.
Are you struggling with the concept of “building a life” that’s less stressful? Share your experiences with us below. And, check out the next post to explore why some of your efforts to cut stress might not be working.
Next: Do you have to upend your life to escape the daily stress?
